Slowly, ever so slowly….

Sometimes your story isn’t the Legends of the Fall or Last of the Mohicans, or God forbid, The Notebook.  It isn’t extravagant and wild -dancing in a thunderstorm.  It doesn’t come with a flash and a bang like fireworks exploding in a summer night sky.  Sometimes it doesn’t overwhelm you, suffocate you, and flood your being.  No… sometimes it comes slowly… creeping steadily into the facets of your normal everyday… filling in cracks of time that you didn’t know were vacant… taking up your Friday nights, weekend afternoons and your days.  It comes in the form of cooking meals together after work.  Running errands.  Going to the gym.  Watching a Redbox on the couch.  Doing yardwork.  Normal  life... 

And one day you realize that your time and thoughts and even heart have been infiltrated … and it doesn't look anything like you thought it would. 

Does anything look like we thought it would?

Finding your purpose?  Building your Career?  Meeting your someone?  Making a difference?  Raising a family?  Do any of our ambitions pan out the way we expected?  No… often, it is harder, messier, and more rewarding than any of our fairy tale dreams.

And that is life: a slow, unraveling story different and better than your most cherished expectations.  Sometimes it drags and you don’t know what the Author is doing or thinking.  You want to shout: “Get to the point already!  What is happening with these characters?!  Where is this story going?!!”   You want to put it down and pick up something more stimulating.  You want suspense and drama!  You desire heated romance and death defying feats.  You turn to other things looking for your cravings to be met… but when you remain unsatisfied, you concede and pick up the story again.  And what you get is the steady revealing of dynamic characters whose end is unclear and to whom anything is possible.
  

There are days (many in fact) where I wish I could read the Sparks Notes on my life- where I wish I could skip to the synopsis and see, in a glance, the beginning, middle and end.  Just to know.  But there is something lifegiving about the uncertainty. The maybe’s and possibilities.   Especially when I know and trust the Author.  I have faith in His ability to write a worthy and excellent story.  He is not a novice writer fumbling with paper and pen.  He is the Great Storymaker.  And I am blessed to be a character written on to the pages of His grand tale. 

via

And so, I take heart.  When life is uncertain and feels monotonous and dull… when I don’t know the next turn in the plot or how long I’ll be walking down this dusty, barren road… when I wonder “Where is this story going?!” and lose interest …  I remember: Sometimes the best things come slowly… and I patiently (and painfully) pick myself back up and try to turn another page.  

to new heights

Half Dome:  /haf dōm/ (noun/verb)  a 16 mile, 4,800 ft elevation change, granite stair stepping hike past 900 feet of waterfalls concluding in 400 vertical feet of gnarly-hold-on-for-your-life cable climbing excitement in the heart of Yosemite Valley.

 

 The hike was arduous to say the least... with multiple moments where I wished/prayed/pleaded for a piggy back ride or a mule to come and transport me to the top.   The steps pounded my knees and ankles.  The elevation change left little oxygen to fill my lungs.  The trail felt endless.  At one point, in the middle of the evil sub-dome steps of death (as they shall always be referred to), I dejectedly sat on a rock and conceded that the stupid mountain had won... to which I was quickly ordered to get up and get moving by my faithful support squad!

I wanted to cry.  I wanted to throw up or throw in the towel... But I wanted to make it.  I may have slowed to an almost glacial pace and stopped for a breather every 2-3 minutes (with faithful friends by my side)... but like the tortoise or little blue engine, I tried to keep plugging along.  And eventually, after what felt like an eternity...and after so many kind encouragements and affirmations that its ok to rest sometimes...  I made it.

I battled more than steps, elevation, and fatigue along the way... I came face to face with some very real, very ugly personal demons.  Ones that told me I'm not good enough, fit enough, fast enough, slim enough, active enough, outdoorsy enough... that whispered maniacally into my head that I was dead weight and my group would be better off without me, snarled insults about my body and told me to quit, turn around, go home.  Insults quickly spun out of control, encompassing almost every shortcoming, fear or inadequacy in my life.  The hike was hard, but the strain didn't feel proportional to the sharp pokes from these devious gremlins.

But now that these vile insults have fully surfaced, I can look them in the eye and figure out what to do with them.  How to fight them.  How to rise above them.  I'll tell ya one thing, they look a lot smaller and weaker from the top of 8,835'.

I am grateful to have this little accomplishment under my belt.  To look back and think, ya... we did that!  Sure, my feet felt like raw hamburger and I was almost unable to move the next day... but its done. and it was great.  and I'm proud of it.  And the views... oh... the veiws.  Breathtaking. Unbelievable.  Holy.  I was awed and overpowered by my surroundings.  I'm starting to understand this granola eating, nature-loving, wilderness hiker thing that people do.  It is powerful and enriching to the soul.

I went to have some fun, see some trees, and climb a rock.  Needless to say, I got much more than I bargained for...

Echos from Brooklyn

Shhhh don't tell... but I may have a ridiculous crush on this "wild and wily brunette" out in Brooklyn whose writing echos the thoughts that are tucked deep away in my soul. I read her words and a breath of knowing escapes my lips... and I mutter..."YES!... exactly!!"  Her words are real and poetic and heartfelt and gruesome... and the truest of true.

I never liked blogs... I never understood them.  I thought it was strange that people had weird attachments to people they had never known or met.  It seemed incongruous to post deeply personal things out there in the abyss and be connected to people you'd never met through their own distant scribblings...

But as I once heard, and am learning more and more to be true, the most personal is often the most universal.

As a tribute to my new found love for blogs and the personal stories that strangers expose for the betterment of those lucky enough to stumble across their strong and satisfying words.... here is an excerpt from the 'bombshell':

"So say yes. To coffee in the morning. Or tea. When he asks you for a second time, after you've already said no, you should be getting home, please just say yes. It may amount to nothing. It may be just what it is, a cup of coffee or a cup of tea. Or it may be the beginning of everything. Say yes to the shower offered. Say yes to a man's fumbling attempt at kindness. Say yes to saying what you're afraid to say. Say yes to being bold and appearing uncool and revealing just how deep you're in it. Say yes to the full power of your femininity--to the full extent with which you're capable of love. Let him pull you in close  and nestle in the slope of his neck. Kiss him that second time even if he's already late and rushing out that door. Make him a little bit later. Say yes to what is so damn pregnant with potential that it utterly terrifies you. Say yes to anything that might count as experience or adventure--even if the adventure at hand is navigating the long, grueling road of heartbreak. Say yes to letting the guy help you get the dresser in the apartment--self-suffiencieny don't make you more of a woman and it doesn't protect you from the good, the bad, the ugly. Accept love when you want to accept it, accept help when you can, and accept that it'll be the second photo--the one you didn't plan for--that'll give a certain shape and meaning to everything that comes after."  

Amelie Introductions

A couple years ago my very creative and awesome friend wrote this lovely post about Amelie and her ability to bring a character to life via a quirky description of their likes and dislikes.  Though brief, these odd-balled introductions capture more of the true essence of the characters.

Using this idea as a stepping stone, I present Blog Challenge #4 -

"15 Things You Should Know About Me: An Amelian introduction to Aubrey"

1. I prefer salty to sweet, unless its ice cream. Ice Cream trumps everything
2. I often make up my own words… and facts
3. I bake bread in a lime green Chantal Dutch Oven
4. I prefer political intrigue to any other movie genre
5. I don’t really care for apples, oranges, grapes or bananas
6. I despise group planning
7. I can only drink milk if its ice cold and accompanied by cookies
8. I prefer jewel tones over brights- except in office supplies
9. I got my first coach purse for Christmas this year- and finally feel like a grown up
10. I would rather spend money on food than entertainment, but I’d chose travel over both
11. I prefer tulips or ranunculus over roses
12. Owning a piano makes me feel musical the way owning a kitchen-aid makes me feel like a chef and having tall bookshelves makes me feel scholarly
13. I clean my house frantically before guests arrive (and rarely any other time)
14. I’d pick a Gin over Champagne
15. I’m not necessarily a “morning person” but I feel compelled to wake up cheerfully

Learning it can't be Learned

If you know me… you may know the 4 little words that have been attributed as my unofficial mantra. 

“Say it with Confidence” 

If you don’t know, make something up and say it with confidence. 

If you might be wrong, but think you’re right, just say it with confidence. 

If you absolutely know you are right… by all means, say it with confidence.  (catching the gist?)

I remember my parents trying to drill the words “in my opinion” into my vocabulary.  Trying desperately to teach me to not state opinion or whim as cold hard fact.

I remember being in class and unable to stand the silence of an unanswered question.  My fingers would tap, my feet fidget… I would try as long as possible to hold back (seconds would feel like eternity) until finally, when I could stand the uncomfortable silence no longer, I would raise my hand in relief, and confidently answer the question. 

I hate when things go unanswered…

We’re supposed to learn as we go:

Writing, Reading, Arithmetic. 

Driving.  Dating.  Breakups.

Laundry.  Making your own meals and balancing your own budget. 

Resumes.  Bills.  Taxes… 

Most things come with age and experience.  Some take longer than others… (Boundaries).  Some lessons feel like you may never learn them…(Humility).  We acquire answers and knowledge in a multitude of places in a myriad of ways.  Our questions will eventually get answered… right?

I am a learner.  I love stuffing my brain full of tid-bits of information like a piñata full of candy.  I hate when I don’t know something. I will google it on the spot or make something up until I can research it later.  I must have an answer to give.  And in most things I can wear this “I know all things mask” and get by.  I can do a quick wiki search and find the ingredients in that “Army Navy” cocktail or tell you how to replace your rear brake pads.  I’m really good at finding the answers I need.  I’m really good at Learning.

But what happens when there are no answers. When it can’t be found out there in the wonderful world wide web.  When I can’t learn my way through it.

That… That is the hardest lesson.  That not everything has an answer.  That not everything can be learned.  Some things are just…. uncomfortable, sticky, mean, grey anomalies.   

In my 27 years I’ve learned a lot (and forgotten much too).   But the most challenging lesson I wish I had learned earlier is that in reality there are limits to learning.  There are things without answers.  There are difficult “Why’s” that I desperately desire to resolve.  There are reasons and rationales that slip into that much loathed “mystery” file.   

I still hate not knowing. 

 

Some lessons you learn and some answers you find one day.                                                                                                      And some you can only hold lightly and pray that the unknowning doesn’t crush you.

I wish I had known that earlier.

I dreamed a dream...

I dream of JOY.  Real, gut wrenching, toe tingling, cheek numbing JOY expressed through intentional relationships and incredible adventure.  Here is a glimpse (though incomplete) at some of the hopes, dreams and longings that I hold for myself.

Leaving a legacy

Setting foot on the 6 main continents (only South America and Australia to go)!

Growing old with a man who makes me a better me

Finding a job that fills me with purpose and joy

Balancing a bowl full of ice cream on my 8 month preggo belly

Growing in grace and generosity

Backpacking Australia/New Zealand

Knowing without a doubt what I believe and sharing it eagerly like the best chocolate bar I've ever had

Being ok with grey

Living a worthwhile, wonderful story

Seeing the World’s Wonders and experiencing its Amazing Cultures

Having a home constantly full of friends, family and fresh baked bread

Fluently speaking foreign languages in foreign lands

Crossing off cool eateries from neighborhood bucket list

Camping through America’s National Parks 

Trekking the Camino de Santiago with a best friend

Star Gazing through the Northern Lights                                         

To savour moments and memories, and not take them for granted

Sleepless nights cradling my firstborn

Mastering the art of humility

Choosing people over productivity

Ostentatiously celebrating victories for myself and others

Creating and living in real, tangible, true community

Making margins

Being a Lifelong  Learner. 

Being:  

     Teachable

     Faithful

     Available

     Vulnerable

     Courageous

To know and be known. Fully. Absolutely.

To be happy and content… (and dare I say, maybe even proud) with who I am, as I am.

{Dream, and give yourself permission to envision a You that you choose to be.  ~Joy Page}

Coming Soon... list #2

My apologies for not being more on top of it.  Friday came and went faster than I could realize!  A lot has been happening over here.... Like getting ready for a brand new job starting Next Monday!  EAK!

Regardless, Please stay tuned... Blog Challenge List (BCL?) # 2 will be released later this week for sure.  I promise!!  Possibly even later today if I get my buns in gear. (otherwise i will have 2 very disappointed blogger friends breathing down my back.)

This list was initiated by the talented and delightful Stephanie and is a compilation of dreams, wishes, goals and someday someways...  Some refer to these as bucket lists... but don't feel confined to a mere list of to dos and sees.  This can be anything.  While you *patiently* wait for mine to materialize, start thinking of your own!! or... check Kara and Stephanie's blogs... and then start harassing them for their past due lists too!

via weheartit

how I take care of myself

I am excited to introduce this first installment in our quest for bi-weekly posts and lists and fun little random tidbits.  Below is a glimpse into some of the things that fill me with joy and feed my soul.  What fuels you??

Challenge Accepted!

Watch out... this is going to be Legen... wait for it...dary!! (As my good fictional friend Barney Stinson would say.)

Here's the scoop: My pancake fanatic, Ramen proficient, blog fluent friend -Kara lee -has thrown down a Blog Challenge, which I do not take lightly.  Every other week, starting this Friday- March 1st- we will be posting wonderfully silly and insightful lists.

Our inspiration for this was developed through recent readings of some of our favorite bloggers' like this one and this one and this one.

Please don't think less of us if we steal some of these exact list topics to start our endeavor.  Stay tuned... I assure you, you are in for at least a couple weeks of some great blog entertainment!  (hopefully we can last more than a post or two!)  

So here's to accepted challenges coming your way!!

I'm still waiting patiently...

Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you ought to be

How long will you make me wait?

I don't know how much more I can take

I missed you

But I haven't met you

Oh but I want to

How I do

Slowly counting down the days

Till I finally know your name

Ooo the way your hand feels round my waist

The way you laugh

The way your kisses taste

I missed you

But I haven't met you

Oh but I want to

How I do, How I do

I've missed you

But I haven't met you

Oh I missed you

I haven't met you

Oh but I want to

Oh how I want to

Dear whoever you might be

I'm still waiting patiently.

Picking up Pieces

I’m a big picture person.

Its not that I don’t appreciate the finer points…. I love carefully crafting icing petals on sunflower cupcakes and neatly organizing tiles to create a vibrant table mosaic. I love the little touches that take something from average to extraordinary… but I NEED a global view. I need to look at the whole picture from 10,000 ft. up and understand why. I need to know how it fits and what it affects and why it matters. I want to know the goal, the destination, the purpose, the vision…



It’s very difficult for me to walk forward without a blueprint. I know that God has a mysterious wonderful plan for my life … but I don’t see it. I can’t touch it, or taste it… or find it. I don’t know what it is or where I’m going. I don’t know what my future holds or what my purpose is.


Without a big picture to hold everything neatly together, things in my life feel Disconnected. Like Partial Floating Fragments of something… All I have are seemingly random experiences. Flashes. Like fireworks that quickly dissolve into a plume of smoke in the dark night sky. Just Traces of something. Memories. Events in the Past.

And it always brings me back to the question… where I am going?



I long for connectivity. For all these glimpses and dabblings to find unity and intentionality. To be nicely knitted together into an intricate and vibrant tapestry. To have more than just a handful of colorful loose threads slipping through my fingers. They might be beautiful threads… but what good are they? What use are they? I want to know the end product.



And my frustration grows. I cannot see the outside of the puzzle box to know what I’m working towards. I don’t know if these threads, these experiences will ever amount to anything. Will they become a quilt.  Will they have a purpose. Or are they just what they are. Pieces without a puzzle. Fragments of fabric. Ever Unfinished.

weheatit.com

Even without any point of reference, I continue trudging onward. Picking up pieces, and threads and trying to find places for them. Trying to tie them together or sew them messily into something. Trying to guess what the end might be. I trudge on… picking them up, yearning for an image to appear. Trying to find meaning in them. Hoping for an end product of substance.

A Million Miles... and here

Malawi was a million miles away (actually…10,170 miles). It was a place that I never imagined setting foot. A land on the other side of the world, on the other side of the equator. A distant culture. A different language. An unknown people. But now it’s here. It’s closer than next door. It’s hanging in my closet. It’s stuck to the soles of my shoes (and probably still between my toes). It’s ringing in my ears. It’s under every conversation I have. It’s in my memories and it’s in my heart- Forever. Permanently.

At first glace, Malawi was what I expected. Simple. Communal. Rural.

It was dusty- with a dry, red dust that swirled around you, coated your lungs and stuck to every inch of exposed skin. It was quiet- not an eery hush, but the sense of a slower pace of life lingered in the warm air. There was a contentedness and peacefulness. It was desolate and impoverished. Bumpy dirt roads. Thatched roofs. Goats meandering. People sitting in the noonday sun. Children with tattered clothes hanging on distended bellies. Women carrying water from the single village well.

It was the picture I had painted in my mind… except that it wasn’t.

I thought I would be shocked.

I thought Malawi would rock my core and cause me restless nights on tear drenched pillows.

I thought I would feel uncomfortable and forced to confront a radically different understanding of the world.

I thought I would be perpetually fatigued from heartbreak.

But I wasn’t, not entirely.

Because Malawi was more than I expected.

There was life. Real VIBRANT Life. It wasn’t a shell of existence. Or bleak hopelessness. It wasn’t a cracked and barren wasteland. No- there was LIFE. Color erupted from every chitenje and plastic water bucket. Laughter burst forth from the children playing with makeshift balls. Joy and hardship mingled in aged hands and weathered eyes. Vitality erupted from a different part of their soul through song. There was community. Rich. Deep. Community.

I didn’t expect to find so much life in Malawi. I didn’t expect to find such kindness and warmth in their smiles and handshakes. I didn’t expect to feel such love from people with so little. But there it was.  I was reminded that blessings don't only come in the form of development.  That sometimes, less actually can be more.  That family and community is supposed to be treasured.  That God's people are everywhere. That Love is a universal language.  Malawi was beautiful life.

It looked me in the eyes. It resounded in my ears. It held my hand.

And now… it cradles my heart.

Forever.



When prayer works...

[pre-Malawi:  June 16, 2011]

As I was driving to work the other day I was struck by the realization that my relationship with God has slowly been drifting towards stagnant territory.  There hasn't been any massive chasms in faith or great barriers to intimacy... its just been the subtle, slow busyness of the world skootching my time with God off the schedule.  I couldn't remember the last time that I had enjoyed a day filled with small conversations with my creator- praises, concerns, supplications and confessions.  And so as I drove, I turned off the radio and quieted my heart and sat in His peace.  (why do I so easily forget how good this is?!)

I have been overwhelmed lately.  Stress and Anxiety has been draining me like a swarm of hungry mosquitos.  Turning my joy to frustration.  Causing me to bark at my friends instead of speak with love.  Pulling me out of community and into an emo-esk state of self-dispair.  There is such a clear parallel between my walk and my mood. 

On top of life's normal encroachment, I have felt under fire the last couple days. The proximity to our trip, the amount of work still to be done, the simultaneous barrage of past wounds rearing their heads could not be coincidence.  This was an attack.  And at just the moment when I thought I was going to crack... when I couldn't take the strain of the burdens being heaped upon my shoulders... when I knew, just KNEW, that everything was going to fall apart and there was nothing I could do... i remembered that it was Prayer and Worship night at Flood. 

I had signed up to be on the pre-event prayer team and upon arrival Linsey asked me to lead the group.  How was I supposed to help create a space for people to shed the day and experience God when I was up to my eyeballs in life's muck?!  But I had no where else to go... so I stepped into that space.  Out of obedience I took one step at a time towards righting my heart and surrendering my cares.  I invited the team to first pray for our prayer team before we presumed to pray over the multipurpose room.  And moment by moment layers began to fall from me.  I journaled His trusts and felt the stress begin to melt.  Anxiety turn into submission. And His peaceful presence envelop me again.

Today, I got up with a smile and praised Him. (even though i wanted to stay snuggled in my warm cozy bed). I signed on to my computer at work to find emails working out the problems that had felt sufficating yesterday.  I recieved a call from the automotive center saying my car was not only fixed- but the cost was cheaper than orignally quoted! 

If I don't pray, how can God answer my prayers?  If I don't turn to Him, how can he comfort me?
Today I rejoice!  My mood is restored.  My joy secure.  If God is for us... who can be against us!?

move me...

"Forgive us for the ways in which we are 

bewitched,

too settled,

at ease in false places"

The Storms Will Come

The storms will come.


Its not a matter of If…
                             Or Might….
                                 Or Maybe……
No, the storms will come.

The waters will rage
The winds will batter
The rain will pound
The earth will shake

And it doesn’t matter
if you thought you were impervious;
if you believed you were strong;
if you convinced yourself that all your days would be tranquil and calm…

The storms will still come.


But why do some people have to endure
        ferocious hurricanes
              and torrential tsunamis
                    and life shattering quakes
while I “suffer” mild ripples of inconvenience.

Why do some people experience
         frost bitten nights
               unending hunger pains
                    and dreary, dismal futures
while I complain of too many opportunities


Why do your storms painfully ravage
While mine lightly d
                              r
                               i
                                z 
                                 z           
                                  l  
                                   e...


Yes, the storms will come
     And Yes, on this Rock I will stand firm
           And Yes, He can shelter and secure you too…
But that doesn’t mean that the tempest is fair…
It does not rage the same everywhere.

Glimpses of Beauty

I recently attended a women's event at my church focusing on finding the beauty in hard, foreign, strange places.  We connected over sharing areas in our lives that were difficult, desperately trying to search for the beauty hidden in them.  As part of the event we did a stream of conscious/free-write list of things that give us life in the midst of challenging circumstances...things that keep us from giving up... that give us a glimpse of God's grace and goodness when it seems near impossible to find a silver lining. 

Here were mine-(written within the 3 (or so) min time limit)

sunlight sparkling on the ocean
the soft band of peach across the horizon before the sun dips out of sight
fields dotted with golden pools of water at sunset
the coolness of grass on my bare feet on a warm day
the warmth of a good hard hug
the intoxicating smell of perfectly ripe tangerines
thin whipsy clouds in the stratosphere with thick billowy cumulous clouds in the forefront
the linger of dark chocolate on my tongue
the crash of waves against the cliffs....
               (there is something beautiful and soulfully soothing in the violence and turbulence of the water)
worn pieces of sea glass
a perfect cappuccino
the hide and seek of sunlight and shadow against mountains and canyons
sea gulls floating on the breeze
the sight of worn and weathered hands
Truth in unexpected places
candles and Nora Jones
sharing a full-bodied glass of wine on with good friends


Undoubtedly there are countless more things... but these are at the top of my list.  On a hard day, drinking a cappuccino while staring out across the ocean allows me to breathe a little easier.  It gives me perspective.  It gives me Hope.  It reminds me that God is Love, and Good, and Creative, and Amazing...  It makes me stop- even if only for a moment- and remember that I am surrounded by blessings and grandeur.  In the midst of my tumult there is rest for my soul.  These things keep me alive when I am fading and give me strength to face another day.  He has surrounded me with glimpses of beauty when I feel lost in darkness.

Simply Holy

I know I have broken your trust and promised posts and not delivered....I'm not sure why you're reading this right now with the spotty history that I have exhibited...but I am done with excuses and explanations.  (if i don't promise anything I can't let you down!)  :)  I will say that sometimes the desire to Blog doesn't perfectly translate into post.  But on to the meat and potatoes-leaving behind the old and surging on to something new and exciting.

Not long ago I was accused of blasphemous speech as a result of my over usage of ‘holy vocabulary’.  It was said that by over using such words as “heavenly” or “glorious” I was degrading their value to common place adjectives.  Saying, for instance “this cheesecake tastes heavenly” or “that sunset is glorious” (which I admittedly do often) was sacrilegious.  This person asked… “do you really think so little of heaven or glory to throw them around so lightly?”  Which got me thinking…

 

As I ate a delectable pain au chocolat from the Bouchon Bakery in Yountville this morning I contemplated this description dilemma…   it was a crisp, buttery, flakey exterior with a soft doughy center graced by two smooth rich decadent dark chocolate logs whose sweetness was perfectly complimented by the saltiness of the excessive amounts of butter used in its preparation.  And… after a moment’s pause I could not think of another word other than….mmmmmmm…..heavenly.   

 

The glistening grape leaves of gold and garnet with spatterings of chartreuse heavily hung on the vines…. The play of shadow and sun light through billowy cumulous clouds in a sapphire sky... The kaleidoscope of colors (and enticing smells) at a local Farmer’s Market… the bite of the autumn air on your nose whilst your body is kept cozy with a soft plum pashmina… all these are simply…glorious.

 

And though I may be guilty of sometimes using these terms without always fully thinking through their meaning, I firmly assert that they should be used more and not less.  For in all these things that I find delight is the Glory of God.  In all these things that tickle my tongue with happiness or amaze my eyes with the splendor of creation is His holiness… a piece of heaven in this life on earth.  What better way to describe the wonders around than to do so through acknowledging He who blessed us with them all.  Heaven is in the smallest and simplest things… His glory is reflected in the common place every day that we may rarely notice.  More often than not we take God out of the world around us by merely acknowledge “its” beauty and not His role in making it so.  Everything from Him is holy and we are to bask in the enjoyment of it! 

apologies...

So I know it may seem as though i have failed at my first attempt of consistency with blogging.... and in actually I have... BUT i do think i have some rather compelling excuses that may cause you to extend a wee bit o' leniency and grace in my direction.

1) I was off galavanting in Shanghai and experiencing the magnificent World's Expo!!  (hhmmmm maybe not the most compassion eliciting argument to start with...)
2)So- to the real hinderance: my computer.... died.  I am still in shock. I actually felt physically ill.  I am quite despondent.  a year's worth of photos... email contacts....essential information...  GONE.  all  gone.
            
  I'm having trouble coming to grips with the severe reality of this predicament.  i'm currently using my roomie's computer to convey my sentiments to you- (so that you know that I have some sort of explanation for my absence, and hopefully will take pity on my in my dire situation).  the ONLY thing that I can take solace in right now is: the brevity and fragility of material things has no lasting effect on the purpose and fulfillment of my life.
  I think that God has been trying to teach me a bit of a lesson.  maybe I was becoming too comfortable with my easy access to the world on the other side of the Great Wall.  too prideful in my pictures.  too attached to things other than HIM. 

So here I am.  Stripped of my comfort.  Trying, desperately trying, to remind myself of the many blessings and the bounty in my life.  I feel pathetic to be having such an extreme reaction to the simple crashing of a piece of technology. but in honesty, by heart does ache.  my head spins everytime I realize something else that is irreplaceable is unrecoverable.  I want to let it go and be joyful and praise the trials knowing that God is up to something. ... maybe I'll get there soon.  but for now- i'd take a plane ticket home and a magic "undo" button that will bring back all that was lost.



hopefully new posts with pictures and things will come soon...

Meet my 朋友！

I forgot to announce that I was given the honor of guest blogging on my fantastic foodie friend's fabulous food forum... (a little too much alliteration?).  A couple weeks ago I filled in for her while she was busy being responsible taking the GRE.

You can check it out here...   and, I highly suggest becoming a follower of "I ate everything".  You won't regret it- the recipes alone are worth it, not to mention you will fall in love with Stephie's charming wit and jovial candor!  Enjoy!

isn't she just scrumptious! 

Art Here... Art There... Art Everywhere!

I have decided to really invest in improving my blogability.  I know I have said this before, but now I’m making a schedule!  I plan to post something once a week... every Sunday evening to be exact.  The reasons are many but mostly just boil down to my need to create… something…anything!  Expression is good for the soul.  Usually, my need for well written, thoroughly processed thoughts has stifled and squelched my freedom to scribble down my life unashamedly.  “Perfectionism is the archnemesis of creativity” (Found Art-71).  SO- through more consistent random thoughts and tangential wanderings, I am hoping to fight back against this villain for freedoms sake!  … here we go… 

Blogging makes me acutely aware of my surroundings.  It makes me think of every experience, every meal, every encounter as a potential post.  Anything has the potential to have significance and meaning.  It makes me actually ponder my experiences and think about connections.  As I was “making art” out of my breakfast this morning, (for the sake of a later post) I was whisked back to my freshman year of college, sitting in my mandatory (aka miserable) writing class – Culture, Art and Technology- learning about what makes art, Art.  The answer: ascribed meaning.  The only thing that makes anything art is the value that someone assigns it.  I had turned my breakfast into art by seeing the beauty in the crimson strawberries and the tasting the nostalgia in the hint of cinnamon… My mind then wandered to the value of connections.  Beautiful personal experience found in foreign spaces. 

I just finished reading a book about one woman’s discovery of beauty in unlikely places.  Her words deeply resonated with me as I saw many of my own thoughts, hurts and experiences mirrored in her unpretentious journalesque writing.  The more I thought about it, I realized that a lot of valued literature is nothing more than the modest scribbles of common experience connected to deeper wonderings.  Julie Powell’s random thoughts on cooking is now a well known book and movie.  A young girl’s personal diary of life during WWII became one of the world’s most widely read books and an inspiration of hope.  These creations of the written word remind me that art is imbedded in our connection with other people’s experiences.  The way that my heart shares space with yours through common memories…. the way reading about your journey can ignite the flame of my own nostalgia… the way reading your hope, pain, love, joy, mourning unite us- world’s apart- through the fragility (and yet strength) of humanity…

The criteria for art is not anything pompous or sophisticated.  It does not have to be universally adored or survive the criticism of others.  It just has to be real.  Honest.  Even vulnerable. We just need to be “willing to strip all the way down to [our] true self and listen and look for God in [our] world.” (Found Art -73).  This is my art.  These are my experiences.  This is me.