[pre-Malawi: June 16, 2011]
As I was driving to work the other day I was struck by the realization that my relationship with God has slowly been drifting towards stagnant territory. There hasn't been any massive chasms in faith or great barriers to intimacy... its just been the subtle, slow busyness of the world skootching my time with God off the schedule. I couldn't remember the last time that I had enjoyed a day filled with small conversations with my creator- praises, concerns, supplications and confessions. And so as I drove, I turned off the radio and quieted my heart and sat in His peace. (why do I so easily forget how good this is?!)
I have been overwhelmed lately. Stress and Anxiety has been draining me like a swarm of hungry mosquitos. Turning my joy to frustration. Causing me to bark at my friends instead of speak with love. Pulling me out of community and into an emo-esk state of self-dispair. There is such a clear parallel between my walk and my mood.
On top of life's normal encroachment, I have felt under fire the last couple days. The proximity to our trip, the amount of work still to be done, the simultaneous barrage of past wounds rearing their heads could not be coincidence. This was an attack. And at just the moment when I thought I was going to crack... when I couldn't take the strain of the burdens being heaped upon my shoulders... when I knew, just KNEW, that everything was going to fall apart and there was nothing I could do... i remembered that it was Prayer and Worship night at Flood.
I had signed up to be on the pre-event prayer team and upon arrival Linsey asked me to lead the group. How was I supposed to help create a space for people to shed the day and experience God when I was up to my eyeballs in life's muck?! But I had no where else to go... so I stepped into that space. Out of obedience I took one step at a time towards righting my heart and surrendering my cares. I invited the team to first pray for our prayer team before we presumed to pray over the multipurpose room. And moment by moment layers began to fall from me. I journaled His trusts and felt the stress begin to melt. Anxiety turn into submission. And His peaceful presence envelop me again.
Today, I got up with a smile and praised Him. (even though i wanted to stay snuggled in my warm cozy bed). I signed on to my computer at work to find emails working out the problems that had felt sufficating yesterday. I recieved a call from the automotive center saying my car was not only fixed- but the cost was cheaper than orignally quoted!
If I don't pray, how can God answer my prayers? If I don't turn to Him, how can he comfort me?
Today I rejoice! My mood is restored. My joy secure. If God is for us... who can be against us!?